The Trump Cabinet of Misfits

Cue the movie montage

Watching Donald Trump assemble his cabinet reminds me of the second act of a superhero movie, where the villain calls up a bunch of misfits to get the gang back together in one final attempt to make America great again, again, for the first time. We’ve seen this movie, and it’s the sequel nobody asked for besides seventy-two million Americans.

Trump sits behind a dark mahogany desk. The surface is covered with confidential papers, Twix wrappers, and a stack of mustard-stained headshots of Melania look-alikes.

The strumming of Kid Rock’s song Cowboy plays as Trump picks up the phone and makes his first call, kicking us into a phone montage.

The scene takes us to rural Florida. A caption on the lower right-hand screen reads, Okefenokee Swamp, November 2024. We start with a close-up of a pair of Oakleys; we zoom out to see they’re worn on the back of someone’s head over long, beautiful blonde hair. The camera pans around to the front to find they’re being worn by Dog the Bounty Hunter, who is steering an airboat through the swamp. His Bluetooth earpiece from 2007 lights up, and he presses a button on the side of his head to answer.

“Go for Dawg.”

“Doggie, I need you in the White House. I’m putting you in charge of the EPA-B-C-D-E-F-G.”