The Great American Do-Over

A Plan for the Next Four Years

I have so many regrets about how I spent my time during Donald Trump’s first administration. I moved to the woods and grew a beard, and nobody stopped me. I got arthritis from clutching my phone and brain damage from obsessively checking his Twitter account or hearing him speak. Even the mere sight of a red hat would trigger my fight-or-flight instincts. I can’t do that to myself again. Now that the election is over and the American people have spoken, I’m going to take this opportunity for what it is– A chance at a do-over.

This term, I will stop referring to him as the dumb orange man who lives in the White House and only call him Donald Trump, President of the United States of America, because that is somehow funnier. Say it out loud in a sentence. It’s so good. I think humor is what is going to keep me going this time around.

Alcohol consumption was up two hundred percent in my household the last time Trump was in charge of the country. I numbed myself every night with wine and tequila to make things seem less bad. But not this time. I need something stronger, like pure sobriety.

Instead of lying awake at night worried Trump will start a war, I need to reassure myself that no one in the White House would actually let him anywhere near the real nuclear button. I bet they hire set designers to build a fake war room where they’ll let Trump sit and do whatever he wants. Like, “Sir, go ahead and press that big red button if you feel like…