SOS- I’m Trapped at Burning Man

And I can’t wait to return next year!

I’m at Burning Man and it’s not going well, to say the least. But this is the life of a Burner. My phone is dangerously low on power; I can’t even take a selfie. I’d drop a pin, but my location won’t show up because I’m too far off the grid, which was the entire point of going to Burning Man. If I don’t return to LA alive, please tell my agent to cancel my Raya account.

Feel the burn.

Dregg, our leader, has been missing for seventeen hours. He was last seen near Snow Globe Laser Village wearing a cape made of flamingo feathers, metallic tights made out of old slinkies, and an elk antler crown wrapped in tinsel. You can’t miss him. I’m sure he’s okay; he has enough mushrooms to get high for at least a month.

I searched for sustenance on my Unicycle, but it wouldn’t travel well through all the mud. If I can get my hoverboard working, I know I’ll be able to get home. The only problem is it doesn’t actually hover or work. It’s just an old skateboard without wheels I found at Out of The Closet and spray-painted gold. It’s more of a prop than anything.

This could be us, but you playin'.