10 Sexy Earth Day Tips & Tricks

Are the wild berries you’re eating poisonous? There’s a 50% chance they are not. Trust yourself.

Listen, I love Earth just as much as the next bitch, and I’m not just saying that because I live there. It really is special. Where else in the solar system can you find trees, oxygen, Kim Kardashian, and grilled cheese sandwiches all in one place? Nowhere, only planet Earth- your one stop shop.

Right now my biggest fear is that we are taking advantage of the planet and one day it’s gonna backfire on us. Like, maybe stop farting so much and causing holes in the ozone layer, cows? What are you trying to do here? It’s not funny anymore. Below I have listed the 10 sexiest ways to save the Earth from ourselves. If everyone does just one of these things, it’ll make a huge difference. And maybe, just maybe, we will live to see 2017. If you’re into that sort of thing.

1. Take public transportation, especially if you have a DUI. You can drink all you want on the bus while reducing your carbon footprint.
2. Don’t light the forest on fire, even if it’s an accident. Trust me on this one. Nobody will invite you camping ever again because “You can’t be trusted around alcohol and matches, Lauren.” Whatever.
3. Only drink ocean water. The Earth is made up of 70% water, take advantage that shit. Most planets don’t even have one single ocean, we are incredibly lucky to have like 5 or 6 or something.
4. Shower in the rain. Take a bath in a puddle. Have sex in the dirt. Give a BJ on top of an ant hill. Tell them “Lauren sent you.”
5. Wear a dress made out of banana peels and bury yourself in it.
6. Throw a pancake at a maple tree. The days of buying a bottle of syrup made out of plastic are over. Welcome to the future, baby.
7. Don’t pay your electricity bill! Fuck those guys, am I right?! Hey, Con Edison- If I want to make a payment, I’ll call you!
8. Unplug your refrigerator! Keeping your food cold is so 2350 BC.
9. Go green! (But make sure the carpets match the drapes.)
10. Push your haters off the nearest cliff. Overpopulation is one of the leading causes of too many people on the planet.

One final thing I ask of you is to print 100 copies of these tips and spread them over town like it’s the newest, hottest, virus. Together, I truly believe we can save the Planet. (Unlike those dumb fucking dinosaurs, don’t even get me started.)